I have not written in a while, again. Sorry. To be honest with you, I have been at the failure stage of this “success journey” for a long time. I thought; well, everyone goes online to escape reality, why would anyone want to read about my current failure stage? So, you may not want to, and that’s fine you can stop here if you would like, but, I promise you I actually have something significant and ((((gasp)))) positive that I have been learning through this time.
I have been job searching for over a year and a half–I have had only one promising lead–which fell through because of lack of funding. I have been applying for jobs five days a week, and I am becoming more and more drained by my circumstances. Some days, I come home and just cry. My mind has a field day with me. I hear the lies of my past the realities of the statistics for people with disabilities in the workforce and I feel the crushing weight my daily routine. As of late, I have been really struggling to find any meaning in what I do on a regular basis. Outside of my faith, the only thing that fills me with any kind of residual hope and strength is getting to see the man I love slowly bring his dreams to fruition.
Almost two weeks ago I came home emotionally drained, so drained I nearly fell back into an old habit. One that I know would have achieved nothing, except; maybe temporary emotional relief. I got through the night with the help, not some friends and my boyfriend. The next morning, somehow, I woke up with the determination to do things differently. I’m not sure where that reserve of courage came from, but I am thankful for it even now. That morning, I listened to a chapter of a book called Kingdom Woman by Tony Evans and Krystal Evans Hearst. The chapter I listened to happened to be on being “a Woman of Excellence.”
This chapter made me think, should I be pursuing success at all? In seeking success am I asking God for gold and riches, rather than Solomon’s right request of wisdom? Should I instead be pursuing excellence? The author’s of Kingdom Woman define excellence as something that is available to all not all just a select few; like success. Excellence is not concerned with how you compare with others [Excuse me while a colossal weight gets lifted off my shoulders!] but it is concerned with your individual potential and who you are supposed to be. Who you and I were meant to be; not anyone else. Here is my favorite part: EXCELLENCE IS NOT PERFECTION!! Excellence is doing all you can with all you have at that moment.
Here is the part where I think living a life of excellence is like Solomon asking God to grant him wisdom above riches and prestige–and then God giving him everything in the end. Excellence like wisdom is not merely a one time gift that we all have access to but, as the authors of Kingdom Woman go on to say, “excellence shows up more in the smaller things than, the bigger things. It is a pattern. It is a lifestyle.” Excellence may not always be as recognizable to people as success, but I believe it is a worthwhile pursuit. If only for my own wellbeing to know that I did my best and put excellence into everything I did.