Only God can make sense, even circles out of convoluted paths
Today my church is having a missions conference; there was a breakfast, and later, there is a dinner. I thought it pointless to travel all the way back home, so I am hanging out at the University down the street. The university represents a “circle of impossible to hope” in my life. Often, I have traveled on convoluted paths. I have felt lost, confused and without hope but then God does something, allows me to see something to restore my hope. Lately, I have been struggling with holding on to my hope. As I was walking around campus, my heart began to sink. I was reminded of how much hope I had while I was a student here and how all of that has felt crushed lately. I tried to get into one of my favorite buildings on campus; it was locked. I just could feel emotion welling up inside of me. Then I just let it go and walked over to another building and talked to a friend. I was reminded that God had made circles out of my convoluted paths before and I know he can do it again if He chooses.
I was born at this university–two months early–strangled in my umbilical cord at a pound and a half. I was a premie. (My parents had to dress me in Cabbage Patch Kids clothes because I didn’t fit into regular clothes). The year before I was born this university hospital was cited for pushing premies to the side and letting them die. All in all, I should not have lived. But, obviously, I did. Twenty years later, of no planning of my own I found myself as a student at the same university I was born at.
How I ended up at my undergraduate university was through going down one right path a bunch of wrong ones and a maybe a few right ones and a bunch wrong ones. One of the right paths was my year at the Institute of Jewish Studies after high school. I should have stopped there. But, I continued studying at Cairn. That was a wrong turn. I did not have a strong relationship with God at all. The pressure of trying to survive on a Christian campus when your faith is weak or even no-existant can make one explode. Not to mention, so much of my was emotionally broken. Then, I got physically sick, and doctors couldn’t figure it out. Apparently, when you are emotionally broken, and doctors can’t figure out a physical problem the patient’s emotional issues get blamed. That led me to depression and lost hope. Another wrong turn. My reaction was so bad that it drove me away from God altogether. I swore to myself I would stay away from God and Christianity. It made sense at the time, I swear.
Through all of my wrong turns, I ended up attending the very University connected to the hospital where I was born. I loved being a student here. I had so many opportunities. I even had a chance to go to Washington DC where I interned for the Federal Government for the first time and came to know the gospel and cling to it for real honestly. I was also finally correctly diagnosed. For years, what was called an emotionally triggered problem, is called generalized dystonia. Full circle hope.
A year after graduating I started graduate school. Right, turn. I had so many opportunities. I participated in a disability-rights internship program. Right, turn. I became an active member of a gospel-preaching church. Right, turn. I interned with the Federal Government. Right, turn. Then, I got deeply involved in a relationship, and so, begins the convoluted path again. I tried to end my life because I thought that was the only way I would get free. Ever since the day I had attempted to take my life I have felt like I have been on a convoluted path leading nowhere. That’s what that sinking feeling indicated inside of me today. I felt like I was going nowhere. But, as I talked with my friend and prayed with her, I remembered the previous full circle hope I had when I came to my undergraduate university. It is going to take time, but I know that God is in control and he can make circles out of convoluted paths.
In the meantime, I filled out two more job applications, filled out the paperwork contesting the SSA overpayment (again. This time I sent it certified mail.), made a few more appointments to do my presentation for my part time job, and I am working on putting an end to a damaging relationship. If I don’t finish this relationship, it will lead me down another unnecessarily convoluted path, and I can’t justify it.
“When it becomes apparent that your dreams can’t come true, that is not the time to take control. That is the time to lean hard on the only One who has ever had control. When it’s apparent that your dreams can’t come true that doesn’t mean your life is spinning out of control; it’s just a reminder that YOU are not in control. It’s not evidence that God has lost control is is just evidence that you are not in control.”–Andy Stanly