cairn

Cairns are trail markers so that travelers do not lose their way. Remembering where we were is one way to build our own Cairn so that we do not get lost. 

I know that moving to success takes time, but I will admit; that sometimes I think time moves too slow. Here I am writing a blog about the daily things I am doing to try and improve my life circumstances (by the way I’m not even sure any of it will work), telling you that nothing is “instant.” Here I am wondering, how much longer do I have to stay in this place where I can’t be independent and can barely pay my bills. I wanted success yesterday, but I know it doesn’t happen that way. How am I dealing with my impatience? Simple, I am reminding myself of where I was. I also remember that very few of the circumstances were handled with ease, sometimes I lost all hope, and almost none of them came to a quick, easy, simple solution.

For instance, I got involved in a relationship with a man. It turned out he wasn’t anything he said he was. He was a criminal, con-artist and an abusive partner. Because of my affiliation with him, I lost everything. I lost my job, I lost my independence, I lost many friendships, I lost the ability to attend the church I was an active member in, worst of all I lost my sense that I was safe. I escaped that situation, barely. I came home, with no job prospects, the knowledge that the course I had been on vocationally was shot to hell, few possessions, and even less money. What I did have was money that a friend put in my bag. I had tried to pay her for the electric, air conditioning, etc. that I had used while I stayed with her.

With that money she left me, I signed up to go to the gym for three months. I knew I needed a reason to get out of bed or I wouldn’t. One day when I was walking home from the gym, the mayor of my town was driving by. I know him from when I was in school. He is the reason I have my job right now. I had filled out over 70 applications between the time I arrived home and the time I finally got this job. The money, the gym, the relationship, the job, they were all sweet gifts that gave me the hope and strength to keep going. When I remember those gifts, I remember that I am not alone, that I will always have a reason for hope.

I filled out another few online applications. I often feel like, if I don’t know someone in the business hiring, filling out online applications are next to useless. But, I suppose If I don’t try, I will fail. I also decided this week to pour more effort into my part-time job as a marketing executive. I am not good at this job. I thought that maybe I had lost my mind in getting involved with this job, I considered quitting. Then, because of the encouragement from my director I remembered how much I love the products and company. He also told me that this company wasn’t like any other company, it’s not as they are ever going to decide to tell me that I am in a “charity” position and they don’t need me.

As the payroll administrator at my full-time job suggested: “Forget what people tell you, keep trucking on and do what is best for you.”